Destruction of 'my world'

I came into my lowest point in my life. The negativity of the energies is intense enough that my world came to an end. Everything is collapsing and falling. Emotions of guilt, low self esteem, low self worthy, hatred, anger, pointless, distrust, loss and so on, i been feeling all these everyday since then. The heart is in pain, the mind is in chaos.

I need help badly but deep inside, i know that no one can help me except for myself. Because of the pain, i put myself deeply into the present moment in order to 'escape' the pain. As i keep living in the present, something changed deep inside. The pain transmute into feeling, the chaos transmute into thoughts. I am perceiving things as the way they are. Loving myself is to let go.

The space inside me grows bigger and bigger everyday. There's this unconditional peace inside me even though sometimes i am still feeling the pain but it is not that scary anymore. Wisdom will sometimes wander into me, allowing me to learn and grow. I used to be anxiety but now, i am a lot more peaceful and joyful than before even though i am in the 'lowest' point of my life.

I realized that the world that is collapsing is the 'I', the mental image of myself in my mind. It collapses. That's why i am more able to tune into something deeper than the surface. It is a blessing in disguise. In the past, i been living in my head, in my thoughts. Now i am living and conscious.

Something interesting happens on the way. All my little desires are manifesting. Somehow i am 'communicating' with higher beings through numbers, they will tell me that there's nothing to fear. Somehow i 'know' that there's a divine plan to change the world. The change has to happen to me first. The 'old' will be replaced with the new and better.

It's not enough to know the teachings, it's important to practice. Practice staying in the present. Stay with the pain and the chaos, be aware, distraction is not the answer. Not to resign but to accept those feelings. It's not to focus on why but what, then you truly see them as they truly are.