Divine passion

It pops into my head.

' Real passion does not seek fulfillment of the end but enjoyment of the present doing.'

The tree

The strong wind blew the tree, The leaves swayed strongly but the root is still and silent. Only the old and the weak leaves are being dragged away by the wind. What's gone is the old and what's in the present is the new.

Thoughts

My self esteem was broken. It made me realized again that the self esteem is merely a ego or a mental image of the self. This is how people feel superior or interior based on the beliefs.

After what happened to me, i have thoughts that are telling me that i have lost, i am weak, i mean nothing to that person, i am insignificant, worthlessness. I am aware of those thoughts but the pain feelings is unavoidable. I can only accept it and let it pass. No matter how much compassion or love you have, there is no avoid for emotional pain.

Self esteem is merely a illusion but we are so in connected with that false self. Our mind will desperately seek to find reasons or to understand why but it serves to feed that false self esteem. There's no possible truth answers to be found in our mind because beliefs are always conceptual, never the truth. You don't find the truth from what you believe, it isn't rational. In cases, you reacted from those beliefs and made the wrong actions. The beliefs can be thoughts, feelings or emotions since they originated from the mind, not the heart.

When you lose something, you feel interior. When you gained something, you feel superior. If you can see it, it is a very weak sense of self that can be easily changes. Anything can bring you down easily if your sense of self comes from your esteem.

I have a 'knowing' that one has to find their 'true self'. I experienced it before several years back when i am in deep confusion. It was a beautiful awakening back then. In our human state, one may be only able to find the spiritual awakening through suffering.

Here's a good article - http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-deal-with-uncomfortable-feelings/

The reactive person

Suffering occurs when you are experiencing certain negative feelings or pain feelings. Distraction is not the key to removing sufferings, unfortunately. Distractions only serve to distract the pain, it's not healing.

You suffer not because of the negativity but because of the way you reacted. It's not easy to gasp the meaning of what i said.

'Not to react but to respond wisely'

Every time there's negativity, the first reaction is often to escape or to face it and complain/suffer about it. It is a habit of reaction that we built over time, it's a unwise reaction that we are not conscious of. The suffering is not coming from that pain but from your reaction.

Be slow to that pain feeling, breath in slowly. Be careful not to react. Then you respond that feeling with a awareness.

Knowing the words is simply not enough, practicing it is the wisest way. Suffering will prove to be your divine opening to a new life.

The strange events

I was walking alone around my garden when i saw a kid. He's squatting on the floor, his face is redish. His friends run over to him. The boy told them that he as a asthma attack, he complained to them that they shouldn't have ran. Afterwards the boy took his bag and walked away. He was fine.

The moment i saw him, my first reaction was whether i can help. And i didn't do anything in the end. Today i understand that i am not in the position to help everyone, it's not my place nor the 'right' action in the right situation to do it. Sometimes helping is not really helping.

I was doing my work in the computer when i heard the sound of the korean drama coming from the television outside. The scene is about the death of this evil character. I learned that the evil character is not entirely as evil as one seem. She does it for a 'good' purpose, to ensure that her son will be the king. She wanted her son to be happy. I realized that no one in the world is 'evil', they are only chasing after their own happiness. Their intention isn't to bring 'evil' to people but to be simply happy.

That idea is implanted deeply in my head strangely enough. Today i get to realized the truth from it.

Destruction of 'my world'

I came into my lowest point in my life. The negativity of the energies is intense enough that my world came to an end. Everything is collapsing and falling. Emotions of guilt, low self esteem, low self worthy, hatred, anger, pointless, distrust, loss and so on, i been feeling all these everyday since then. The heart is in pain, the mind is in chaos.

I need help badly but deep inside, i know that no one can help me except for myself. Because of the pain, i put myself deeply into the present moment in order to 'escape' the pain. As i keep living in the present, something changed deep inside. The pain transmute into feeling, the chaos transmute into thoughts. I am perceiving things as the way they are. Loving myself is to let go.

The space inside me grows bigger and bigger everyday. There's this unconditional peace inside me even though sometimes i am still feeling the pain but it is not that scary anymore. Wisdom will sometimes wander into me, allowing me to learn and grow. I used to be anxiety but now, i am a lot more peaceful and joyful than before even though i am in the 'lowest' point of my life.

I realized that the world that is collapsing is the 'I', the mental image of myself in my mind. It collapses. That's why i am more able to tune into something deeper than the surface. It is a blessing in disguise. In the past, i been living in my head, in my thoughts. Now i am living and conscious.

Something interesting happens on the way. All my little desires are manifesting. Somehow i am 'communicating' with higher beings through numbers, they will tell me that there's nothing to fear. Somehow i 'know' that there's a divine plan to change the world. The change has to happen to me first. The 'old' will be replaced with the new and better.

It's not enough to know the teachings, it's important to practice. Practice staying in the present. Stay with the pain and the chaos, be aware, distraction is not the answer. Not to resign but to accept those feelings. It's not to focus on why but what, then you truly see them as they truly are.